Divorce is not a License to Destroy

Of course there are a whole lot of powerfully negative emotions associated with divorce.  There’s anger, there’s hate, and all the ones associated with grief.

But anger seems to be the most prevalent especially during the divorce process.  And the source of anger is usually hurt.  Someone gets hurt and wants to hurt back.

But despite all this, divorce is not a license to destroy.

Here’s why:

  • Because if anything and no matter what, you both played a role in the demise of your marriage.  If you don’t see it now, ask yourself these questions.  Did you say yes to marrying him/her?  Did you ignore signs, hints and/or red flags around you at the time of dating?  Do you believe that you are absolutely not responsible in any, any way for the end of your marriage?
  • Because, where children are concerned, it stops being about you and your anger.  Of course you can express it as you please because that is vital for the healing process that you do so, but you cannot do it in front of the children.  If communication has broken down, find another way of getting through to your ex-spouse but do not use the children as messengers.  Find your own way of expressing it but keep them out of it.
  • Because the relationship that the children have with the other parent is their relationship alone.  You can either facilitate it to happen and to continue or you can step away and let it take it’s course but divorce is not a license to destroy a relationship between the children and the other parent by holding them hostage because you’re not happy or due to lack of child support payments.   There is ample research out there that shows that children need both parents.
  • Because the sole act of destroying or the wish to do so, carries with it anger.  Anger is toxic.  Anger eats you up, not the person that it’s directed towards.  It literally eats you up from the inside because you operate with high levels of adrenaline and cortisol which affect your immune and cardiovascular systems.  Release the anger and you free yourself.  Yes, easier said than done but it’s definitely not impossible.
  • Because the emotions of divorce have a way of making you hold yourself hostage to a past and a person you wish to rid yourself off.  Those emotions become you, you carry them and identify with them.  And unless you can release them,  they will destroy your present moments and your future being.
  • Because in reality, no one can make you do anything you don’t want to.  This means that we are totally responsible for our actions, unless of course there’s a gun or some sort of threat involved.  But when we make decisions to behave a certain way, or do something destructive then that simply falls on our shoulders.  It’s all about taking responsibility.

Divorce is tough and can be ugly.  Destructive emotions run high, very high sometimes.  But it’s very possible to contain those feelings and stopping yourself from becoming either verbally or physically destructive.  There are so many ways.  It’s just a matter of finding what works for you.

If you’re in a place of anger, then call me for an informal chat (+44(0)7850 85 60 66) or email me soila@parentinglives.co.uk

Soila

 

 

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